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Monday, June 18, 2007


Definitions of transparent on the Web:

crystalline: transmitting light; able to be seen through with clarity; "the cold crystalline water of melted snow"; "crystal clear skies"; "could see the sand on the bottom of the limpid pool"; "lucid air"; "a pellucid brook"; "transparent crystal"
diaphanous: so thin as to transmit light; "a hat with a diaphanous veil"; "filmy wings of a moth"; "gauzy clouds of dandelion down"; "gossamer cobwebs"; "sheer silk stockings"; "transparent chiffon"; "vaporous silks"
guileless: free of deceit easily understood or seen through (because of a lack of subtlety); "a transparent explanation"; "a transparent lie"

I have a confession to make:

For months I have found myself longing to be real – to shrug off the church costume, the ‘ministry’ garb, and the ‘everything is fine, praise the Lord’, positive confession disguise.

Don’t get me wrong – I BELIEVE God’s word. It is my lifeline, and I cling to it desperately. I BELIEVE that God keeps His word, and that He “watches over His word to perform it.” I believe that “faith comes by hearing and hearing by the (SPOKEN) word of God”. I BELIEVE that there is a supernatural, holy power in the Word of God because that WORD became flesh and dwelt AMONG us as my beloved Lord Jesus Christ.

Speaking God’s word in my life – the day to day moments and realities of my life – invites the very presence and power of that Word -- the Son of God, my Savior – to take control, to intervene, to keep His promise and express His love in and through me. THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE SO DEEPLY THAT I WOULD DIE BEFORE I DENIED IT.


There is a trend in the body of Christ – I think it’s been around a long, long time– a trend to hide the “real life” from others: from other people, from other Christians. To put on the “I am standing on my faith, speaking the Word, and I refuse to show any weakness” coat, and “never let them see me sweat.”

While the truth is that real life – in all its frustration and grime – is something we all face, day in and day out – often moment by moment.

Behind the closed doors of so many people– believers or not – hides a mother whose heart is breaking over the promiscuity and addiction of her daughter…or a son whose addiction to internet pornography is commanding every free moment of his days and nights…or a spouse who is so far in debt and so chained to the lifestyle his family has grown accustomed to that he can’t see a way out and would end his life, except for the shame of someone knowing the truth of the mess he’s made... a mother who copes with life only if she can keep the prescription refills coming... an empty, marriage filled with resentment... alcoholism... perversion... addiction to food... to possessions... to gambling... to self-mutilation... abuse... rage... depression.

Maybe it’s not that bad in your home. If it’s not, you are blessed, and should be thankful. But I can almost guarantee that you know someone who is facing a similar reality.

Though there are those who know, I won’t tell all of you which of these I am facing – but I will tell you that I am.

Me. A lifetime believer. In ministry. Preaching. Teaching. Serving. Worshipping. Leading. Faith-filled. Raising my children to transform the world with the Gospel of Christ.

This is who I am.

And at least one of the above descriptions fits me – my family – my home. And it hurts. Sometimes I feel like it will never stop hurting. I cry out to God for the one(s) I love to be hounded by His love – chased down and redeemed. Rescued from his and/or her personal choices and brought back to the fold, to His embrace. And I cling desperately to my belief that He not only hears me, but that His love demands that He was already on His way after them before I called out His name.

And, you know what? He hears my cry. He answers me. He holds me while I weep, He reminds me of His promise, He even works miracles in MY home.

Oh, hallelujah!

He is real, and His love is beyond what I can explain or imagine. HE IS REAL. My relationship with Him is real. The church where we now worship Him and serve people is REAL. What a relief it is to peel off the layers and stand before Him and others covered only by His love.


Did you see the common thread in the definitions above?

Transmitting light.

Transmitting LIGHT.

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. ~ John 1:1-5

Oh, Father, let me be so transparent that others only see YOU.

I want people to see that I need Him so desperately. Without Him, I am a tangled, twisted mess. I want people to see my wounds, and scars, and know that theirs can be doctored, tended and healed by His loving hands.

How can people be attracted to the Jesus in me, when it seems like I have it all together? No cracks. Nothing but blessing and abundance. What in me will resonate in them if it’s not my wounds being healed by One who loves me so extravagantly, while still wiping the mud off of my face, and washing the blood from my hands?

If He wants me. loves me, can rescue me... satisfy me... fill me and use me – there is nothing impossible for another who will but trust Him.

I am determined to be transparent.


Deena said...

Our world is so broken, so filled with hurt, sin and pain, that if we as believers cannot let our own pain and flaws show...how can we ever be considered approachable??

This isn't about saying, "This is my life...might as well learn to live with it."

No, it's about saying, "This is my life, but praise God, I don't have to live it alone! I know the One who can transform my pain into His good work in my life! This suffering is NOT in vain in my life!"

That's what it's all about.

And it's about time...for the church to become real.


From someone with hurts of her own in her family...trying desperately to let the light of Jesus shine through...

susan said...

Sometimes one of the hardest things to do it say "I need help and understanding".

I do believe that *everyone* has their dark secrets...

It sounds like you are taking the first steps to letting others in, just in knowing that you want to be more transparent. I'm sorry that you are hurting right now...

Mrs. Pivec said...

I feel for you, TaunaLen. I actually *left* the church because I longed for more authenticity. Where I was felt really false and I did not feel safe and accepted by those I fellowshipped with. Not everyone, of course, but my general feeling was one of shallowness. I write about some of this in my most recent post. I am not suggesting that leaving the church is what is for *you*. I am just saying that I can relate to wanting - so very badly - to connect and fellowship with people on a real, intimate, familial level - and finding that the model of the institution just wasn't working for me. I am now working more at deeper and more meaningful relationships in my day-to-day life so that I can hopefully have that kind of community that I dream about become a reality.

I am so sorry for your present struggles - whatever they may be. If you need an ear, feel free to e-mail me. :( I realize that I am not a long-time friend, nor a true, flesh and blood neighbor (and we need those too), but I *am* your sister in Christ and if you need to talk, we can do that. And if not, that is certainly okay too.

Know that you are held in prayer.

Nise' said...

While I am sorry that you are struggling with a serious issue I am so thankful that you are wanting to be real and transparent. The church needs more people like us! I have never felt such freedom and God's power when I "fessed up" and told a select few what is really going on in my life! It was there that His power and peace are manifested.
Praying for you!

Clemntine said...

Thank you for this insightful, inspiring post.

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