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Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Coming of Age


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

~ Author Marianne Williamson (From the Movie Coach Carter, 2005)


My husband really loves this quote. We watched the movie over the weekend, and last night he did a google search to find it. it really spoke to him. I think that's cool!


Tomorrow, my first child turns eighteen. The very idea, fills me with a sense of profound wonder. Part of my heart is thrilled and excited at Sarah's growth and maturity. She is absolutely amazing! But the other part of my heart wants to scream at time to STOP -- if only for a while. Every day, she is closer to leaving me. Days like yesterday are precious. Why? well, yesterday we were the only two in the house, and we talked for hours, like college room-mates. Our discussion was serious and funny, and even sometimes goofy.

We discussed her upcoming senior year in high-school, class rings, college, dating with a purpose (courtship), faith in God's plan and her future husband. Lately these are the topics of our more serious discussions, as she tries to make sense of the choices ahead of her, and the direction her life is supposed to take. I must confess that when I think about her future, I am not afraid. I know she is smart, determined and level-headed -- a citizen of the world, though it is not her home. She has the brightest of futures, and is more ready every day to face it and succeed. But talking with her yesterday about the future was a little scary. Because every day, she is closer to leaving me.

As excited as I am about what God has planned for her, a part of me cries out against the loss of all the little things I enjoy every day; like the way she laughs, and chatters incessantly about her latest discovery in the world of jazz. Or the way she bounces into the room and calls me "mommy" out of the blue. Or the way she loves to watch America's Funniest Videos and laugh so hard that she's out of control.

I am comforted when I consider the relationship I have now, with my own mom. We are such good friends, and so many of the things we have shared over the years are precious to me: the same sort of little things, just different. I look forward to the relationship Sarah and I will have when she is out on her own, when she is a wife, and later, a mother. I look forward to the late-night phone calls when my grandchildren are preparing to enter the world. I look forward to the questions about things like fevers and rashes, and all those scary, new baby things. We have a lifetime to share our special friendship, and I wouldn't miss a moment of it.

So in truth, I am really not losing her, I know that. And I want nothing less than God's very best plan for her, which I am sure requires that she leave my home eventually and follow Him into her new life. This is just one of the many joys of motherhood, and I want to expereince them all!

But still, that small part of my heart longs to stop time -- if only for a while -- because every day, she really is closer to leaving me. . .for the exciting new life God has planned, and when all is said and done, I will rejoice with her, as she goes. (Then I will retreat to her bedroom and have a good cry.)

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